I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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