I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
