We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
