I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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