my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
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I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
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The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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