put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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