he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
