i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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