On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
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I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
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someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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