toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
