the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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