i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
