um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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