I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Randomize
