I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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