our cab driver is having phone sex.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
