i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
