Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
