when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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