For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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