i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
