drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
