You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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