You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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