forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
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We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
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Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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