Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
