I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
