I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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