So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
