He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
