i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
