You smell like a Billy Joel song
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
