Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Randomize
