I'm sorry my penis didn't work
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
