Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
