one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
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I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
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If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
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