I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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