I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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