She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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