Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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