My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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