So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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