Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
