Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
