o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
