she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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