I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
