Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
