I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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