what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
