You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
