If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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