my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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