and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
