it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
