I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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