The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Randomize
