Plan B is the new Plan A
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
