He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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