my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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