In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
