They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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