Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
