I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
